Larry King Live

"I mean, Larry King would have a more thorough interrogation of one of his guests than the Christmas bomber had by the Justice Department." - Senate minority leader Mitch McConnell "We're here tonight with our special guest, Omar Farouk Abdulmutallab, better known to the American public as the Underwear Bomber. Good evening, Omar, and welcome to Larry King Live." "Good evening, Larry, and the name is Umar, not Omar." "Umar. That's a pretty unusual name, isn't it? Did you change your name in order to make yourself sound more terrifying?" "No, Larry, that was the name given to me by my father Alhaji, and it is obviously not a very terrifying one, since everybody just calls me the Underwear Bomber." "Which is not a terrifying name at all. Do you think that people call you that as a way to help them mask their fear?" "No, I believe that people just think it's a funny name, and quite frankly I'm very embarrassed by it." "As well you should be. So, Omar, can you tell me why you wanted to blow up Northwest Airlines Flight 253?" "That's a matter before the courts, Larry, and I said before I agreed to come on your show that I would not discuss it." "Rats... So, do you feel betrayed by your father, who tried to warn the authorities that you were a potential menace to society? You must have some very strong negative feelings towards him. Did you ever feel like murdering your Dad?" "Not really, Larry. I think that he did what he thought was best for my well-being, particularly considering the fact that I had changed in ways that he might not have understood." "Such as your desire to blow up the United States?" "Excuse me? Larry, everything that was discussed with my lawyer, I'll say once again, is completely confidential. I'm not going to be able to talk about it. So I'm just letting you know that ahead of time." "Rats... You can't even admit that you intended to kill innocent people? I mean, the purpose of carrying explosives in your underwear must have been..." "Larry, you're being inappropriate. You really are. So I'm not going to..." "What? I'm just asking a question." "I'm not going to talk about anything discussed with my lawyers. Those were confidential statements. You know that." "All I'm asking is... Well... All right, Omar. Legal rules tonight. So let me ask you about your underwear... Where did you buy your underpants? I don't believe that it could have been at Sears or Wal-Mart, as they seem to have been underpants of a very unique - let's say explosive - nature, ones that could not ordinarily be procured at your average suburban shopping mall." "They did not explode, Larry, but for the record, they did give me second degree burns on my balls. And again, this line of questioning is very inappropriate." "But you do agree that you had special underwear?" 'Yes. It was very special underwear." "Do you know who else has some very special underwear? Angie Dickinson... She had this red lace bra and panty set that used to make me so hot that..." "Larry, you... you're being inappropriate, OK? And I'm not going to..." "What? I'm just talking about the great star of film and television, sometimes referred to as the classiest woman in show biz, which I would say is a far cry from being referred to as the Underwear Bomber, and I... You're leaving, Omar? Because the studio door is locked... Rats. Did he hear me speaking to him? Omar? Is security still out there? Rats. Is he leaving because I brought up Angie Dickinson? Because I... Rats... This is the last time that I take a guest recommendation from Mitch McConnell... Who do we have backstage? Mitch McConnell? Rats..."

piano man

The Republican National Committee, focusing on austerity at their boondoggle in Hawaii, has rejected a plan to require all new candidates to pass an ideological purity test in order to be eligible for campaign funding from the party. Instead, they have adopted a resolution "urging party leadership to carefully screen the records and statements of all candidates who profess to be Republicans," and double-check them for proper conservative compliance before denying them support. "The important thing was to get rid of the P word but retain the intent," said Jim Bopp, the original sponsor of the purity resolution. "A purity test. Chairman Steel was right when he ridiculed me for calling it that. I guess it does sound kind of effeminate, pretentious and liberal. And like Senator Ensign told me, it's the kind of idea that's liable to turn around and bite us on the ass like an insane girlfriend. I mean, here we are in sunny Honolulu in January, partying on our contributors donations, so who the hell are we to judge? Glad you asked, we're the RNC, and if we don't let you in this disco then we don't have to worry about dancing with you. Like I said, the important thing was to drop the P word." "No, man, the important thing was to make sure I wasn't the focus of attention," said RNC Chair Michael Steele. "Some of these jive turkeys came to Hawaii with the idea of trying to challenge my ass, and now I've got em all too discombobulated to even think about me. I've got them talking about purity and worrying about teabaggers and meanwhile I've got the margaritas flowing, baby, and I think I smell me a roasted pig."

Message from Osama

Osama bin Laden has released his second message within a week, this one focusing on, uh... global warming. "Talk about climate change is not an ideological luxury but a reality," bin Laden said on the tape broadcast by Al Jazeera. "All of the industrialized countries, especially the big ones, bear responsibility for the global warming crisis. I swear to Allah, it is as hot as Hades here in my cave from early April on until late October, at which time a bone chilling cold sets in which has my teeth chattering like the sound of camel hooves racing across a floor of linoleum. With Mohamed as my witness, I tell you that the weather was never like this back when I was still in the castle." bin Laden went on to praise dissident intellectual Noam Chomsky, who he said "was correct when he compared the U.S. policies to those of the Mafia," presumably because the Mafia is so well known for it's large carbon footprint. "They are the true terrorists," bin Laden said in reference to America, "and therefore we should refrain from dealing in the U.S. dollar and should try to get rid of this currency as early as possible." He did add a caveat, asking that the dollar not be gotten rid of "until at least twelve weeks after the release of my new book, 'An Inconvenient Jihad', available in bookstores everywhere on February 16, as well as Amazon.com for pre-order." "I shall bleed away the American dollars while the bleeding is good," he concluded, "and Allah willing, I shall finally have the requisite funds to air-condition my cave."

contempt

In a 5-4 decision, the Supreme Court has charged Barack Obama with contempt for "disrespecting our court, to our face, on national television". The President has been ordered to pay a civil fine of $500. "The President told the American people that we had opened the floodgates to special interests and foreign corporations," Chief Justice Roberts said upon announcing the decision. "That's none of his business. Maybe he just hasn't heard of this little thing we like to call separation of powers. You know, I would have liked to fine him right then and there, but since Scalia and Thomas didn't bother to show up for the speech, I didn't think I'd have the votes." Meanwhile, Justice Alito spoke to FOX News to explain what had prompted his 'inappropriate' behavior. "My behavior was not inappropriate," explained Alito. "I can't stand it when somebody is rude in my courtroom, and there we were, in the court of public opinion, listening to the president disrespect us. And I didn't mutter 'not true', I muttered 'contempt of court'. The truth is, I should have been shouting it out." Alito's claim is somewhat suspect however, as there is a certain amount of bad blood between him and Obama. During his 2006 confirmation hearings, then Senator Obama voted against him, saying that Alito "consistently sides on behalf of the powerful against the powerless." "He surely did, and then he gave me the big thumbs down," said Alito. "Well, look who's powerless now. And I want that five hundred bucks by Monday. No personal checks, either."

Protocol breached!

In a startling break with tradition, Samuel Alito has violated the long observed protocol which requires Supreme Court Justices to sit motionless and expressionless at State of the Union speeches like a bunch of wax dummies. Alito, being nowhere near as obtuse as Justice Thomas nor as obnoxious as Justice Scalia, has long been overshadowed by the other conservatives on the court, but he briefly seized the spotlight last night by visibly shaking his head and mouthing 'not true' in response to President Obama's criticism of the court's decision to embellish corporate freedom of speech rights. "For a Supreme Court Justice, it was the behavior of a wild man," opined retired justice Sandra Day O'Connor. "It's much like Joe Wilson yelling 'You lie' - if Wilson had also jumped on top of his seat and ripped open his shirt. Yes, it's that bad." "There's a good reason that justices don't betray emotion during the speech," continued O'Connor. "Other than for confirmation, it's the only time the American people get a chance to see us, and it's important that we maintain the illusion that we have no opinions whatsoever. So if the president says 'The state of our union is strong', we don't applaud, because who knows, maybe it is and maybe it isn't. I remember in 1982 when I was still new to the bench and President Reagan in his speech declared that 'Apple pie is good' and I almost sacrificed my judicial dignity by rising to cheer. Thank God Justice Burger was there to stop me or I would have made a complete fool of myself, just like Sam Alito did last night."

Bush Mourns Moon

"Heck," said the distraught ex-president, muscles tensed as he struggled to keep his composure. "I just... heck." Of all those who were affected by the news of NASA's mission curtailment, none were touched more deeply than George W Bush by the sad reality that there will be no money in President Obama's new budget for NASA's Constellation space exploration program. "No moon landers... no moon colonies... no men on the moon at all," said Bush, slowly nodding his head in grief and bewilderment. "It's like losing a memory that hasn't even happened yet... and maybe now, it never will." Back in 2004, when the nation still seemed to have more money than you could shake a stick at, Bush announced his bold plan to return to the moon, perhaps as early as 2015, and suddenly the whole universe seemed to be in play. "We were going to launch the first robotic mission by 2008," Bush says, momentarily immersed in reverie. "That's a date with destiny we never made. I got distracted with a whole lot of things, and then the economy started to go all to hell... But we were gonna put a man back on the moon by 2015. I kinda knew I wouldn't still be president by then, but I just imagined that once I got things set in motion, the future would take care of itself. You remember what we were going to do next, don't you? I mean, after we built those moon colonies. We were going to go to Mars, and the worlds beyond. I thought I'd see it all unfold in my lifetime... I knew I would." "President Obama called to tell me the news himself... I guess that's the least you can do when you're stomping on a man's legacy... He told me NASA was gonna focus on Earth-science projects. Earth science! That sounds like something Al Gore would say. I'll bet he had a hand in this..." "I was stunned," Bush said, the look on his face revealing the sorrow inside. "Now I'll never have a moon colony named after me... But maybe the Congress will put the moon funding back in the budget. Maybe the American people will be so outraged that he won't have any choice but to listen. Maybe... I told him, Mister President, I hope you fail... Heck..."

bipartisan

In a rare bipartisan move, Republicans and Democrats joined together yesterday to reject a plan supported by President Obama to create a bipartisan deficit commission. The commission would have made economic recommendations to the Senate, which would have been subjected to an up or down vote. Republicans feared that the deficit working group might suggest raising taxes, and the Democrats feared that it might recommend cutting social programs, while both parties were united in their fear that it might end gridlock. Also too, Politico suggests that "top Republicans feared it would help Democrats extricate themselves from a difficult debt-ceiling bill," although this theory is so obviously insane that one could be forgiven for believing that Politico simply plucked it out of it's journalistic ass.

Vive la différence

French lawmakers are moving towards banning full-body coverings such as the burqa worn by some Muslim women, with a vote on the bill expected to come in the next few days. President Nicolas Sarkozy has stated that particular choice of feminine couture was "not welcome in France", but the commission studying the issue has stopped short of recommending a full ban. Instead, they are proposing that the burqa be replaced by the burqini. "The burqini, oui, that is an excellent alternative," said Sarkozy. "Vive la différence and all that, but first you have to be able to see the difference. Of course I realize that there may be many Muslim women who cannot properly fill out a burqini, but you've got to take the bad with the good, and for them I would recommend a well tailored pants suit."

"She told me she hadn't had a bite all week. So I bit her."

Andre Bauer, after shooting himself in the foot once again. South Carolina Lieutenant Governor Andre Bauer, the man who is only a heartbeat away from walking the Appalachian Trail, attempted today to back away slightly from comments he made at a Town Hall meeting Friday, where he compared those individuals who receive government assistance to stray animals. "My grandmother was not a highly educated woman, but she told me as a small child to quit feeding stray animals. You know why? Because they breed," Bauer told what we can safely assume was an adoring and non-breeding South Carolina audience. "You’re facilitating the problem if you give an animal or a person ample food supply. They will reproduce, especially ones that don’t think too much further than that. And so what you’ve got to do is you've got to curtail that type of behavior. They don’t know any better." "I wish I had used a different metaphor," Bauer told CNN today, obviously regretting that he hadn't used his simile about garden slugs instead. "I never intended to tie people to animals," he said, moments before once again comparing people to animals, albeit the cuttest and cuddliest ones that his firecracker mind could come up with. "If you have a cat, if you take it in your house and feed it and love it, what happens when you go out of town?" Well, what exactly does happen when you go out of town? Bauer never answered his own question, but we are pretty sure that we know the answer. It begins with the consumption of all available resources, followed by a period of bewilderment and desperation, and ends with a slow and agonizing death. Not the best metaphor either, Andre.

because it's only a number...

Spirit - 1984

A blast from the past by a band writing about the Nixonian
present of 1970 as projected into the future by Orwell twenty
years earlier. Cooler than you drummer Ed Cassidy had already
been in the Navy for a stint at WWII by that time, and
later went on to play jazz with Roland Kirk and Thelonious Monk,
and blues with Taj Mahal and Ry Cooder; his stepson Randy Wolfe
(aka California) shared guitar duties with Jimi Hendrix in the Blue
Flames; and they had a bass player with perfect hair. Because of
it's 'stand up and fight' lyrics, this song was never allowed to be the
massive hit it should have been, but it still sounds pretty damn
snappy and relevant to this very day.

Please visit Alan Grayson's www.SaveDemocracy.net for info and
to sign the petition registering your disapproval of the Supreme
Court turning over the political system to our Corporate Overlords.

legal fiction

"If it is not necessary to decide more, it is necessary not to decide more." - Chief Justice John Roberts, a long time ago, via Ruth Marcus Because it actually is a little-understood concept, we need to discuss the idea of a corporation as a person. (Difficult is the word I initially used, but it's really not that hard to grasp). The first thing that you learn in a business law class are the three basic forms of organization - a sole proprietorship (a pimp, for example) where you have all of the liability, debts and profits; a partnership (an escort service, for example) where you share all the liability, debts and profits; and a corporation (a whorehouse, for example) where for all practical purposes you don't even actually exist. How many times have you heard about a Donald Trump enterprise going bankrupt? And yet, there he stands, proud and tall, canonized on the Church of Television with willing submissives queuing up in the wings. This is because The Donald knows how to incorporate. It's easy, and depending on which state you incorporate in, it only costs a few hundred dollars. And as opposed to the sole proprietorship or partnership, when a Trump hotel or casino or whorehouse goes bankrupt, The Donald is unphased because The Donald is untouched. In other words, The Trump Plaza Hotel contains no actual Trump. This is meant as an introduction as to why a corporation is legally a person. You need someone to sue (and in turn, someone who can sue you). Let's say that you were putting up a satellite dish on a penthouse at the Plaza Hotel in 1994 and you leaned against a balcony rail after you completed your hard labor and the rail broke and you plunged to the street and shattered your spine. Well, you sure as shit couldn't sue The Donald. Legally, he doesn't even exist in this scenario. But you could sue the Plaza Hotel, take all it's assets, and make The Donald, who includes it amongst his holdings, very sad (not really, but this is just an example). Let's say, for purposes of this example, that The Donald has one hundred million billion dollars but the corporation he controls which in turn controls the Plaza Hotel only has a net worth of a dollar ninety-nine. Well, a dollar ninety-nine is about as much as you're going to get, minus legal expenses. So much for our example. The corporations that we are interested in are much bigger than The Donald's, albeit not nearly as parody worthy. Bank of America, Exxon Mobil, UnitedHealth Group, they all strive towards one goal - maximizing profits. This is not a good thing or a bad thing, it's an amoral thing. Unless you are a shareholder, or are demonstrably damaged by the corporation, it's not about you. If you must interact with UnitedHealth Group, you don't ever really interact with CEO Stephen Hemsley, you interact with the entity know as UnitedHealth Group. Stephen is just a well-paid representative of the corporate person, and he has limited liability regarding any actions that the corporate person may take, even if he's the one that makes it dance. Corporate personhood falls into the category of 'legal fiction', which are facts created and defined by courts. In the 1886 Supreme Court case 'Santa Clara County v. Southern Pacific Railroad', the court reporter's summary included the following: "The court does not wish to hear argument on the question whether the provision in the Fourteenth Amendment to the Constitution, which forbids a State to deny to any person within its jurisdiction the equal protection of the laws, applies to these corporations. We are all of the opinion that it does." Here is a fascinating little tidbit - the court itself never addressed the issue of fourteenth amendment protection in their ruling. So here we are in 2010 with the Roberts Supreme Court activist ruling that limiting a corporation's political spending is a violation of it's protected free speech, an issue that no one had asked them to rule on. And what an utterly bizarre decision, although it shouldn't be surprising coming from a court even more radical than the one that selected our 43rd president, This is clearly insane, the legal fiction made flesh. In reality, a corporation is not a person, it has no opinions or beliefs beyond the directives of it's officers, and those directives most frequently are to optimize the bottom line. Bereft of restrictions, they will only seek to serve themselves at the expense of all those who refuse to serve them. To repeat myself, this is not a good thing or a bad thing, it's an amoral thing, just like cancer. But to allow corporations unfettered access to the control of the government reveals a deep cynicism towards the institution formerly known as democracy. The Supreme Court has sold us all out, and in corporate America, they have limited liability.

shoots, scores

Cause America really understands what a Fed chief does...

The Harkin Proposal

Tom Harkin laughs at his own bill In what will surely go down as the most futile legislative move of the year, Senator Tom Harkin is preparing to introduce a bill that would effectively end the filibuster. "No, no, no," explains Harkin. "It wouldn't end the filibuster, it would modernize the filibuster." Whatever. Harkin's Filibuster Modernization Act would stretch out the process of a filibuster from zero days - zero because filibusters don't ever actually ever happen anymore, only threats of filibusters, at which point everyone just goes back to some semblance of business - to, uh, hold on... let's see, a bill comes up and one side says they're gonna filibuster it, so you vote but don't get 60, so you wait two days and try again needing only 57 this time but you don't get 57, so you wait two days and try again needing only 54 this time but you don't get 54, so you wait two days and try again needing only 51 this time and if you don't get 51 you say 'fuck it, what the hell was I thinking about' but if you do get 51 the bill becomes law. Given the fact that it takes 67 votes to change Senate rules, Harkin's bill has about a snowball's chance in Hell.

we got sold

The Bush administration is the gift that keeps on taking, and yesterday's ruling giving corporations unfettered access to the electoral system may have been the biggest package remaining under that withering tree of liberty.

CORPORATE OVERLORDS VICTORIOUS!

In what can only be described as rockin' good news for our corporate overlords, the Supreme Court today ruled that henceforth from this day on there will no longer be Kremlin-like restrictions on the amount of money corporations may spend for the election or defeat of a political candidate. The decision finally puts to an end years of brutal repression of America's most important citizens, at long last restoring free speech to those who truly have only their own best interests at heart. "So many of our citizens seem to have forgotten that corporations are people, too," Chief Justice Roberts said when announcing the 5-4 decision. "And as people they have certain inalienable rights, such as life, liberty, and the pursuit of political power. Because what is economic power without political power? An empty shell, that's all, hardly what five of us on the court would call freedom. All over the world it's so easy to see, people everywhere just want to be free." "Listen people, listen, that's the way it should be," added Clarence Thomas. "Peace in the valley, people got to be free." "Well, this cheers me up a little," said Exxon Mobil CEO Rex Tillison. "We've been under the yoke of The Man for so many years that I don't even know how we'll react to this new found freedom... Nah, just kidding, guess we'll go buy ourselves some new politicians." "This is such a relief," sighed UnitedHealth Group CEO Stephen Hemsley. "For so many years now we've had to steal elections rather buy them, and even though it's been born of necessity, it just make us feel kind of dirty. Gosh, I've got to tell you, I'm so exhilarated that I wish there was an election right away." "They're closer than you think," chuckled Goldman Sachs CEO Lloy Blankfein. "You want to talk about relief? Just this morning Obama announced that he's planning new restrictions on our bread and butter - our valuable high risk investments. What a nightmare. For him, that is. Because now we're free to buy us a whole new Congress that will support whatever we pay them to support. It's like I can at last breath again." "I feel like such a fool," said a glum Carly Fiorina, former CEO of Hewlett-Packard. "Here I stand, having made the utterly stupid mistake of deciding to run for the Senate against Barbara Boxer. If I had just kept the faith and stayed at Hewlett-Packard a little longer, I could have bought Barbara Boxer instead of competing against her. Oh well, at least I'm glad that the political process is once again out of the hands of the people and back with the corporations where it belongs."

Corporations are people too!


Johnny Roberts & the Fortune 500 - 'People Got To Be Free'

Frances Quinn denies paternity

Two year old Frances Quinn Hunter reacted with shock and disgust this morning after former haircut John Edwards released a statement saying that he was indeed her father. "Not my dada! Not my dada!" Frances Quinn squealed, before breaking down into inconsolable tears. Edwards, now separated from his terminally ill wife Elizabeth as well as most of the rest of humanity, saying that his heart was filled with remorse and sorrow and shame and enough negative karma to power a steamboat to hell, had a highly paid aide write up a heartfelt statement and send it to NBC's 'Today' show. "It was wrong for me ever to deny she was my daughter," the note read, "and hopefully one day, when she understands, she will forgive me." "Not bloody likely," said commentator Lisa Myers. "What do you think, Frances Quinn." "Want drink," replied Frances Quinn, downing a large tumbler of juice and burping. "More." Like most people who seek redemption on national television, Edwards asked for people to respect his privacy, before concluding with "To all those I have disappointed and hurt, these words will never be enough, but I am truly sorry." "Bad man. Bad man," responded Frances Quinn, shaking her head. "Not my dada!"

no more candy for you, whoever you are

President Obama today signed a bold new directive with the controversial goal of preventing new Federal contracts from being awarded to contractors who are ripping off the government "Somehow, it's become standard practice in Washington to give contracts to companies that don't pay their taxes," Obama said at a ceremony announcing the directive. "What's up with that? According to the GAO there's thousands of these deadbeat companies and instead of being punished, we're giving them more business." The directive, which thankfully does not require congressional approval, has one small flaw: the IRS is not legally permitted to share delinquency information with contracting officials. Dean Zerbe, the Bush-era Senior Tax Counsel for the Senate Finance Committee who specialized in the scrutiny of nonprofit charities, sees bad hoodoo at work. "Pounding for pounding sake on business owners during this tough economy is going to be a job destroyer for business. This is another blow against free enterprise and the God-given right to cheat on your taxes and it just smells like Socialism and besides, the tax laws are confusing and furthermore there's no one at the IRS to answer the phones. Have a cigar." "Obama thought he was gonna pull a fast one on us," chuckled conservative senator Jim DeMint. "Tax data is secret for a reason. I guess the framers of the Constitution must have seen this one coming, cause Obama's got to come to Congress to get that law changed, and I can tell you straight up that we've got forty-one solid votes against that particular invasion of privacy." "Make that forty-two," chimed in Joe Lieberman, "and maybe more. Don't think of this as a partisan issue, Jim. Just because these companies don't pay there taxes, it doesn't mean that they don't make campaign contributions."

Glamour boy wins Massachusetts

I've got to admit that I was totally surprised by how this one went down - a few weeks ago when I first wrote about Scott Brown just about the only pics available were his Cosmo glamour shots... And now he's a senator. Big whoop? Well, shake it up, and shake hands with fellow newcomer Al Franken while you're at it, Scott. The whole batch of bastards that you've just become a member of haven't done jackshit in so long that it's hard to make a case for not just having a King. Not that being King is all that big of a big of a deal anymore. Harry Reid has pledged to give you such an unpleasant look...

x

Personal Best

A new survey by Public Policy Polling finds that John Edwards has reached new heights in popularity, with only 15% of North Carolina residents having a favorable opinion of him. Back in May of 2009, Edwards set a record as the most unpopular person ever researched by Public Policy, but the latest poll shave another four points off of his own achievement. "This is a remarkable accomplishment," said Dean Debnam of Public Policy, one that's unlikely to be duplicated anytime soon. "You know the old joke about being less popular than Hitler in London during the Blitz? I'm afraid we've entered that territory. Even Dick Cheney looks down on this guy." "On reflection, I guess it was a real waste of money for me to commission this poll," sighed Edwards. "I was thinking about getting back in the game, maybe moving across the state line and running for governor in South Carolina or something, but I've got to admit that these numbers look pretty bad. The only positive spin I can put on the whole thing is that my insufferable wife Saint Elizabeth has taken a big hit in the poll too, so I won't have to hear all the inane prattling about how much sympathy and support she has for much longer. Heh, heh, you can quote me on that - I'm aiming for 12% popularity by December. I might as well excel at something."

Yo, Massachusetts libs...

I realize that you've got yourself a lousy candidate, but please
get out and vote tomorrow. It's really easy, guys, and the girls
will think you're cool if you get one of those 'I voted' stickers.

Girls, I don't know what to tell you, but I promise that
I will buy you a drink if you come down to Virginia, where
we just proudly put a graduate of Pat Robertson's Regent
University into office while our proud progressives sat
sullenly with their thumbs up their asses bemoaning the fact
that we also had a lousy candidate and the revolution had yet to occur.

Is that the Ace of Hearts? Yes it is!

Meet the new president of Chile, Sebastian Pinera. He looks like a nice guy, doesn't he, and hey ladies, he's a billionaire! Not too shabby for Chile, a country that the US tends to ignore except when we want some nice grapes in the winter. The first conservative victor since General AugustoPinochet (who won via a coup d'etat supported by the CIA), Mr Pinera made his fortune by introducing credit cards to Chile, and currently owns 100% of the FOX-like Chilevisión.

a little Sunday jazz

Charles Mingus - Cumbia

Only 51 at the time this was recorded, Mingus was to die 3
years later from Lou Gehrig's disease. All he does, up until
the 7 1/2 minute mark, is anchor the band with a simple 6
note riff. And that's more than enough.

FBI releases 'aged' Osama pics

The FBI has released a new series of digitally aged mug shots of Osama bin Laden created by sophisticated forensic artists (i.e. photoshoppers) which show what the reclusive madman might look like today if he were not dead. "These new images are powerful examples of how advances in technology and science can be used to help find and bring to justice wanted persons," explained Louis E. Grever, head of the FBI's Science and Technology Branch. "And in addition to the justice part, the guys in the lab think they're really a lot of fun to make." "Okay, now the first one you see is no big woof, same old bin Laden, just a little grayer and older. But for the second one, we tried to think outside the box. What if bin Laden decided to throw away the headdress and get a nice haircut? And then he put on a clean white shirt and trimmed his beard to look like Ringo? I think this picture captures that look pretty well, much the way we hope to capture him." "Now, people often ask me, 'Hey Louis, what if Osama was to go and shave off his beard completely'? Unlikely scenario, I always reply, because the FBI firmly believes that bin Laden has an enormous chin. See, it's not a good look for him at all, at least not in our artist's interpretation. But that's why we've got picture number four, because we think if he is alive and he has shaved, he's probably dressing in drag to distract attention from his chin."

Demsday Clock set to 11:52

With Republican Scott 'Bobby' Brown surging in the Massachusetts Senate special election race and the Democratic Party increasingly divided, the Republican National Committee has reset their Demsday Clock at eight minutes to midnight. "They laughed when I unveiled my Demsday Clock last January," said jubilant RNC Chair Michael Steele. "John Boehner told me 'Michael, do you know what time it is? It's six in the morning of a brand new day for the Dems'. I looked him in the eye and said 'No it's not, John, it's high noon. Now get on out there and just say no'. And excuse me while I strike my Heisman trophy pose. There you go, that's my moment, 11:52." "The Dems lose that 60th seat, and that's all she wrote," explained Steele. "Their party is so disorganized and dispirited that you're gonna see a mass exodus. They don't have the will to fight. The Obama administration will be effectively over, only one year after it began. We will stop the motor of the world. We don't need the House or Senate. Think there's gonna be any Supreme Court vacancies in the next three years? Stevens? Ginsburg? We're going to finally have us a conservative court. All we need is the votes to keep Obama from getting anyone confirmed and it's a done deal. It's almost midnight, baby."

we will serve you if you will get us free from the prince

Howdy, Rush. Come on in and make yourself at home. I kind of figured you might stop by when you heard that Maureen and me were whipping up a batch of my age-defying protein pancakes. You could smell them from outside? I'll bet you could. They're mighty good, and they're good for you too. The ones I'm making right now are called silver dollar pancakes. I like them because they're bite-sized, and it really is a lot of fun to sit down in front of a plate with twenty pancakes on it. Don't look so worried, Rush, Maureen and I have already eaten. These are for you. Although I'm not saying that I won't get the yen to make myself another batch. You know, America loves pancakes. They're comfort food, and Lord knows, I can use a little comfort about now. It's not every day you get called stupid by the White House. That's absolutely humiliating, even if the president is a godless hooligan. Maybe I shouldn't say that, but don't you just hate it when people take your words out of context? I know you do. And it's not like I really hate Haiti. Do you? Oh. Why? Oh, really? My goodness, that must have been terribly painful. I've never had anything bad happen to my penis. Oh. Calm down, Rush, your pancakes are just about ready, and I'm getting empathy pains just listening to you talking about your suffering. It's not good to hate, Rush, but I understand your reasons. Just try and keep it in your mind that it was one lone homeless boy that probably wanted enough money for something to eat, and you were a young man at the time. Oh... Well, a middle-aged man... Huh. Hope you don't mind using a plastic fork. Here you go, twenty perfect little pancakes. They're good, and they're packed with protein. Syrup? No, I don't believe in the stuff. It clogs up your arteries, and... Well, I know, we're all going to die, but no reason to hasten it on. Why don't you just soak them in bourbon like I do?

Corroborating Sarah

Really, Steve, you say that Sarah Palin didn't know why there was both a North Korea and a South Korea? You could have really messed with her mind by asking her why there was both a North Dakota and a South Dakota.

Even I don't know the answer to that one, Anderson. It's a puzzlement to me. Why are there two Dakotas when one would be more than sufficient?

Really. You've got like a million and a half people in these two different Dakotas and between them they've got more representation in the Senate than Texas or California or New York. That's somewhat crazy... Anyway, there's this rumor I hear that you really hate Joe Lieberman. True?

It sure is, Anderson, at least from a professional standpoint. And, to be honest, from a personal standpoint as well. I guess I just don't care all that much for traitors.

Really? Because a lot of people are calling you a traitor, you know, for bringing Sarah Palin on board as Vice President, and then going on shows like '60 Minutes' to badmouth her.

I'm a campaign strategist, Anderson; what I'm doing is called cleaning the slate. And I believe that if you were to ask Sarah Palin who selected her to run for vice president, she would tell you that it was God. And in fact, there may be a certain amount of truth to what she says, in this case. You see, John McCain had his heart set on running with Joe Lieberman...

This will be the most mavericky move anyone has ever seen, Joe, bold and unprecedented, totally awesome. We can take this country over the hill.

It does sound like an awful lot of fun, John... You know who we could get as Secretary of State? Susan Collins, she's a lot of fun. And Peter King could...

Sorry to interrupt, Joe, but I need to talk to John.... Alone... Now... Get the hell out of here, Lieberman, I said I need to talk to John... Alone... Now... Will you please just leave the room, ya idjit?

I don't appreciate you talking to my buddy like that, Schmidt. Joe is not an idjit, he's just oblivious. And he's going to be my vice president.

I hear you loud and clear, Senator, but I'm afraid that's just not possible. Joe Lieberman can never be your vice president, or anybody else's.

I'm afraid it's true, John. You see, several years ago, I did a very bad thing, and I... Do you think your toady could give us a moment alone?

Well, as long as we're all on the same page here, take all the time you need. I'll be right outside, looking at the polls. Buzz me when you're finished.

Go ahead, Joe, and tell me what you could have possibly done that was so bad that you can't be my running mate.

It was a rainy day in late October of 2000... I was in the Oval Office with Al Gore and President Clinton talking strategy. The two of them left for a moment to speak about something in private, and I was sitting there alone, just kind of looking around, and... I saw these cufflinks on Clinton's desk... they had the presidential seal on them, and for some reason, I just wanted them so badly... I've never told anyone about this before, not even my rabbi.

That's it? You stole Bill Clinton's cufflinks? And that's the worst thing you've ever done? Bwahahaha... sorry for laughing Joe, but for a politician, you're practically a saint.

Not in the eyes of God, John. A few short days later, when the polls had closed on election day, I had a frightening vision....

JOE LIEBERMAN! YOUR ACTIONS HAVE OFFENDED ME MIGHTILY. YOU SHALL NEVER WIN HIGHER OFFICE AND ARE CONDEMNED TO WANDER THE POLITICAL WILDERNESS FOREVER

I convinced myself that it had all been some sort of crazy dream, but later on I heard stories of a strange visitation at the Supreme Court.

JOE LIEBERMAN IS A THIEF, AND I DEMAND THAT YOU PUNISH HIM BY STEALING THIS ELECTION.

That's a pretty wild story you've got, Joe, but to be perfectly honest, I can't believe that God would do that just because you pocketed a pair of cufflinks...

MAYBE I'M JUST A LITTLE BIT TOUGHER ON THE JEWS! NOW GET OFF YOUR ASS AND CALL UP THAT NICE LADY FROM ALASKA!

Whoa! Okay, you got it, Joe is out, Sarah Palin is in. ****************************************

Fascinating story, Steve. Really. So you're telling me that you never found out why John McCain gave up his plan to run with Lieberman and chose Sarah Palin instead?

I was glad it happened, Anderson, because if he had gone with his gut, it would have torn the Republican Party apart. But what it was that Lieberman eventually told McCain is still a mystery to me. ******************************************

Thanks for your help back there, Joe. Verily, I'll reward you big time for it.

Not a problem, I'm glad to help out. But if I could be so bold as to ask, what was it all about? Do you have some sort of special plan for Sarah Palin?

Nah... I just like fucking with John McCain, that's all.